>>25324
I get you </3 i've attempted a few times and in those days it really feels like there's no other options at all, nothing to look forward to, and the thought of ending it consumes your mind and leaves nothing behind. it's such a nasty feeling and i'm so sorry you're going through that right now. suicide is one of the hardest things you can do, and avoiding it when you're feeling like this can be even harder, you're not a coward for it no matter the case.
the reason to live doesn't need to be at any high standard. for me, i just want to stick around long enough to play the ending to deltarune. waiting for media to release has always been the thing keeping me going, it can feel silly only living because another season of a kid's cartoon will release but sometimes that's just what you gotta do. can't find a good reason to live, then find a bad reason, find a mediocre reason. the reason could even be "I want to live long enough to see the day where i no longer feel suicidal"
I won't recommend a hotline, because it's scary to talk to them and they're likely unhelpful imo. but perhaps give Suicide: The Forever Decision
by Paul G. Quinnett a read, there's a free pdf floating around somewhere. it's not perfect, but he makes some interesting points that might help with perspective (he also makes other points that kinda pmo but it's worth a read)
from one suicidal person to another, I want the best for you